So today might get a little heavy. Maybe it's the gray sky and frigid temps that have me burrowing into my own mind. Maybe it's the fact that my normally extremely busy work day is a little slow. Or, maybe it's the universe's way of putting things in front of you that you need at exactly the right moment. Call it God, coincidence, chance or fate. Whatever it is, it gives me the chills sometimes!
Last night, I had some time at home with my little man
while my big man
was out catching up with a friend from camp. I was perusing through Facebook and saw an article one of my co-workers posted titled "5 Facts Everyone Gets Wrong About Depression." Having my own struggles with depression/anxiety, I was intrigued. The article was lengthy but was written in such a sarcastic and witty way that it held my attention. If you'd like to read the article in it's entirety, you can do so here:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-facts-everyone-gets-wrong-about-depression/#ixzz2r9vlz6mC .
For those of you who are close to me, you know some of the things I've been through. You know how far I've come. For those of you who don't, I'll walk through the 5 misconceptions through my own lens.
#1 Depressed People are Constantly Miserable and Alone
I found this idea almost comical. No one is any one thing ALL the time. Especially if you are a woman! I've known my own mood to change like the wind. At least I'm getting better at identifying the shift before I rip the head of my husband or a stranger in Target. Sometimes, on the ride home from work, I'll warn Tyler, "I am not sure why but I am really crabby right now." Thanks to several years together, he's become skilled at knowing when to give me my space just as I have with him.
With the flip of a switch I can do a 180. Maybe it's a commercial on TV, something Ava says to me or just some sunshine. I used to think my tendency to mood-shift was completely abnormal...until I lived in an apartment with four other 20-something girls. I know it's difficult on my husband (a theme you will surely notice throughout this post). He has said more than once how he can tell my mood just by the expression on my face or the tone in my voice. No matter how good I think I am at concealing my feelings, I'm wrong.
There are times when I feel social and can't have enough packed in a week and there are times when I feel like there's no place I'd rather be than with my little family of 3. :) One thing is for certain, if you are struggling on the low end of the spectrum right now or you know someone who is, it can and does get better. At my worst, I did nothing. I would go to work or school, go to the gym and hermit myself in my room. Meeting Tyler was a Godsend for me. I feel that when I met him, I was ready for him. I was ready to let him help me find myself again and that's exactly what he did. We comment so much lately about how much progress I've made even in the last few months. How much more laid back I am and how things don't seem to bother me as much. Maybe it's age, maybe it's his help, maybe it's wine, whatever it is, I hope it stays.
#2 Depression Just Means Being Sad
While I can only speak for myself, depression is a mangled mutt of undefinable emotion. I was only formally diagnosed with anxiety, not depression, but as many of you know, the two usually go hand in hand. Even though a doctor never labeled me, I know depression was part of my mix. I also know that it didn't always present itself as sadness. It also made me distant, withdrawn, quiet, angry.
It's also important to understand that depression isn't just mental or emotional. It is also physically taxing and in some cases, debilitating. It can make a mess of your digestive system, energy levels and immune system. It can make you feel as though every limb weighs 100 each. It can make your body and your head ache. I would venture to say that many people who struggle with depression and anxiety are ailed by many of the same physical symptoms. Symptoms that no matter how many doctors they see or how many tests they run, they never quite get an answer for.
I've been there. I have had a multitude of symptoms, been to doctors again and again for this and that. Tried this pill or that supplement, meditated and exercised, read books, changed my diet, concocted holistic remedies, you name it. I have WebMD'd myself into a frenzy countless times. I am such a rational person so to me, there must be a concrete answer for everything. Someone telling me that something abstract like stress or anxiety could manifest itself in such an intrusive and severe way just didn't cut it for me. I remember my mom visiting me shortly after I moved to Milwaukee. I was living alone in my own first place. Left by myself, with too much time on my hands, I would notice every.single.symptom and would Google them all until I had myself diagnosed with Cancer or Lupus or The Plague. She went as far as to tape a posted note to my laptop that read "DO NOT GOOGLE, Love Mom." She's a saint for the number of times she sat with me on the phone, hours away listening to me fret about my latest health emergency.
#3 Antidepressants Don't Work
I could write VOLUMES about this topic. Oh how I fought this. When told that I could benefit from a low dose of antidepressant (years ago now), I refused. I'd try anything before that. See a therapist, get more rest, drink this/eat that, you name it...anything but sentence myself to chemically altering my brain for an undefined amount of time. I had so many questions and concerns. What if it made me like a zombie? Would I still be me? Would it make me gain weight? What would people think of me if they knew I was on this type of medication? Would they think I was crazy? I'd seen people who needed to take these types of pills on TV and in movies. I knew people in the past who took them and surely I was not as bad as they were.
It took me a long time and many panic attacks to finally realize that at that time in my life, my anxiety was ruling. I wasn't living. I was gasping for air in-between the attacks and bracing myself for the next one. I realized that then and there, this was bigger than me. I hated asking for help, I hated feeling weak, I hated that I couldn't fix ME on my own. But I gave in. It wasn't easy and neither were the 6-8 weeks it took my body to fully acclimate before I started to feel human again. After I accepted the idea of taking this pill, I thought it was over. I thought that a day or 2 after starting, the panic would stop. I thought the worries, the symptoms, the fear...they would all go quickly and quietly to whatever corner of hell they appeared from in the first place. But they didn't. Not right away at least. I had many more attacks before that happened. But in the meantime, I realized that I wasn't alone. I also realized that when I shared what I was going through with others, helped push them to seek help. Suddenly, it occurred to me that asking for help didn't mean I was weak, it meant I was strong.
#4 Depressed People Just Need to Snap Out of It
To be honest, I think even my mom thought this about me in the beginning. She knew the Alexis I was growing up and she knew that's not who I suddenly was. For someone as laid back and easy going as my mom, I know it was difficult to understand why I would have such seemingly irrational outbursts about small things or why I would panic over something that used to not phase me in the least. I am not sure what the turning point was or when she realized that (even though she didn't fully understand) this was real. My struggle, my fight, my feelings and fears, they were all too real.
I think Tyler struggled with this too. His personality is much like my mom's so it was undoubtedly hard for him to understand as well. Thankfully, when I met Tyler, my panic attacks and anxiety were pretty well under control. He only heard the stories I told him. That was until I was almost completely off my antidepressant.
When Tyler and I got engaged, we entertained the idea of having children right away (something we obviously changed course about). Taking antidepressants while pregnant is pretty controversial and not a lot of testing has been done for many common SSRI's. We didn't want to take a chance so together (and with my doctor) we agreed that I'd start the process to ween off my medication. The process was smooth until I was taking .5 (yes point 5 not 5) mg per day e
very other day, that I started to feel many disturbing affects. My heart seemed to beat irratically. Something that drove me absolutely crazy.
Maybe I was having a heart attack?
Maybe there was some serious defect in my heart that no one had discovered until this point?
Never-mind the fact that we were planning a wedding, I started a new job, we were going through school decisions/battles for Ava...I never contributed my symptoms to stress. It hit the fan one night when I had a full blown panic attack. Tyler drove me to urgent care, which was CLOSED signaling another spike in my panic. He drove me to Froedtert so we could go to the emergency room. In the car, I wasn't even sure if I would make it, that's how real the panic felt. However, just like the times before, tests, vitals and ultrasounds later, it was determined that my body was screaming at me because of panic.
I apologized to Tyler over and over. As bad as I felt and as scary as I know that it was for him, part of me was thankful. I was glad that he saw me at my worst. Saw what this demon, Anxiety, was really like instead of just hearing the terrible memory of what these attacks were like. After all, he was about to marry me! He needed to see this thing that lay dormant. But he still loved me. He still married me. He still works to understand but sees a bit clearer after that night.
#5 Only Women and Old People Get Depressed
I definitely never thought this. To be honest, until I felt depressed and anxious, I never really thought about who did and who didn't. I'm ashamed to say that.
But I can guarantee that NO ONE, no matter the age, race or gender is exempt from depression or anxiety. Through my own efforts to reach out and tell others about my experience I realized just how for reaching this ugly thing is. I've helped friends young and old. I've seen a middle-aged, male mentor(who's now very successful) be hospitalized. I've watched a wife and mother's life be turned upside down. I helped a male law school student navigate this dark road. I've talked to people young and old about their own battles and I've been thankful share stories with them. It's not something that you hope to have in common with someone. At the same time, it's helpful on so many levels to know that you're not the only person who has been there. Just like them, I've gotten through it too. That doesn't mean to say that I don't still occasionally have bad days. Of course I do. That doesn't mean that my fight is over. Quite the opposite. This is something that I'll deal with for the rest of my life. But I'm thankful that I have developed such an understanding of myself and have gained such a large web of support.
My hope to help someone else with their battle is exactly why I'm writing this post. Maybe someone I love is already struggling and I just don't know it. Maybe a stranger I've never met will stumble upon this and read something that resonates with them. It's like I said, the universe has a strange way of putting exactly what you need in front of you at exactly the right time. You just need to keep you eyes open.
